The Uchiha Who Mastered the Tutu
by boite de crayons
Summary: CRACK. Instructions for Uchihas - Ballet 101: Please do not bring any lethal shurikens into the studio... Fan girls have been warned.


Disclaimer: I do not own anything from Naruto, the only thing that is mine is Lena-chan.

Enjoy~

x

The Uchiha Who Mastered the Tutu

By: _The. Unfortunate. Fool._

_Time – 12:02pm. _

_Situation: Team seven is seated calmly at a local ramen stand. Suddenly, a spiky blonde haired ninja in an orange, garbage-man type of jump suit declares initiative. _

_Victim: Butt haired, emo and socially inadequate, front-page-on-a-cover-girl-magazine boy. _

_Let the games begin._

* * *

><p>"Hey, teme - you say you're better than me! Prove it~ Accept my challenge!" the obnoxious, vocally loud and irritating ninja yelled. (That's right, you know who it is.)<p>

"Hn," replied the other drop-dead, gorgeous boy.

Before all this, team 7 was happily enjoying lunch - they watched people stroll by, smelled the flowers, and listened to Naruto's burps and belches after every other ramen bowl eaten (he was on bowl #11 now). Unfortunately, after hearing Kakashi's thrilling story about his disco-club hippy days and his almost drunk encounter with a pissed off Uchiha Itachi at a scandalous night club, Naruto got an idea.

"Teme, I know that you can't! You heard it, Sakura – Sasuke. Can't. Dance," Naruto hollered, knocking over his pile of empty bowls.

"NARUTO! Stop it, you're embarrassing _me_~ And so what, so what if Sasuke-kun can't dance?" Sakura questioned, crossing her arms over her chest.

Sweet, pretty, and Tsunade-wannabe-like Sakura-chan had always loved Sasuke, no matter what. Even after he had thrown her bento at Kiba's dog because it wouldn't stop licking his butt, even after he had used her Barbie dolls as kunai against a tree, and _even _after he had _accidently _knocked her out and left her on a solid, concrete bench at night to be practically molested. Even after all those events, she still loved him but… truthfully, she had to admit – Sasuke-kun couldn't dance. At all.

"See that teme, even Sakura-chan agrees with me! I bet there's no dancing bone in your whole entire ugly and cold-blooded body!"

Sasuke quickly shifted from his I'm-so-tough-I'll-watch-my-food-until-it-starts-bubbling glare to his Naruto-stop-picking-my-nose glare. He couldn't just sit there and enjoy Naruto blabber on about his flaws. He was an Uchiha – a sexy, drop your panties, runway model, eat your babies type of Uchiha. _The _Sasuke Uchiha. And he could, if he wanted to, **DANCE**.

"Heh."

"What was that, teme? You think you can dance? Then accept my challenge!"

"Hn."

"Alright then– I, Naruto Uzumaki challenge you, Uchiha Sasuke, to dance… BALLET! And you have to do it front of everyone in Konoha, wearing a tutu!"

Sasuke inwardly cringed. Could he? Could he, the mouth watering – drool licking Sasuke, dance in front of all his peers and enemies on center-stage?

"Che."

_Piece. Of. Cake._

* * *

><p><em>Time – 3:09 pm.<em>

_Situation: Sexy, I-eat-raw-meat, photo perfect Ninja enters an unknown ballet studio. _

_Objective: learn the basics._

When Uchiha Sasuke had strutted into one (of many) single ballet rooms in Konoha, everyone in the room either fainted or screamed until their lungs burst. It wasn't a surprise that they had to call 9 ambulances within the mere seconds of his arrival. It was the Uchiha effect.

They had seated him to the side during the emergency. His instructor, Lena-chan, had given him hand-written notes on ballet. So, like a good boy, he began to read and learn about his new activity.

_Instructions for Uchihas - Ballet 101._

_Lesson #1 - Ballet is all about movement, the artistic free flow of the body to portray an image or story. It is essential that you do not stand in a threatening way or use your hands to create fire balls during any given time. Also, you may not rip people a part limb from limb over the course of the dance routine; ballet is about peace and love, embrace your feminine side. _

_Lena_

He scoffed. He was a man – an Uchiha. It was his _job _to torture and kill people in gruesome ways. But for this oh-so-called 'dance' he had to be a tree-hugging peace keeper. Che.

Bring it on, bitch.

_Lesson #2 - The dance routine is very important in ballet. You must practice and practice and practice in order to perfect each and every dance step. You must put your whole soul and mind into freeing your rigid body to make… Art. Now, having said that, you may not throw kunai at the audience to express your emotions. You may not stomp on stage to frighten little boys and girls. And you may not, even if the building is falling down or if the Akatsuki show up, transform into your hideous demon manifestation and start doing the 'hokey pokey' solely for selfish purposes. You must appear gentle while dancing… not constipated. _

_Lena_

His eyes darkened. What if the Akatsuki DOES show up? Would he still continue on his with his award-winning performance or would he brutally attack the audience and scavenger hunt for his brother?

The young Uchiha suddenly felt like Naruto. So many choices, so little brain power.

_Lesson #3 - Partners. In ballet, you must work together as a team, no matter who's leading center-stage. With others involved, lifts are made possible and a whole new level of drama and thrill is added to performance. However, when you are dancing with your partner you may not crush, stab, throw, or activate your sharingan upon your ballet friend. And you may certainly not walk away, threatening to leave the studio, by knocking out your dance partner either. Ballet is a team sport and there is no 'I' in team._

_Lena_

He smirked. There may not be an 'I' in team but there totally was a 'me'. And this was enough for him to follow through on his anti-social image and reputation.

As for his partner, if she (even though everyone knows he secretly wishes for a male partner) was a screaming, psychotic, stalker-ish fan girl with a lunatic 'I want to lose my virginity to Sasu-kun' fan club; he would definitely activate his sharingan and kick her off the stage with his manly legs if he must.

… Unless she was hot (or male).

_Lesson #4 - Facial expression~! These are very important when portraying a scene or character during the performance. Your face tells all, so why not make it share a story? Facial expressions help guide your audience throughout each performance and help validate the 'good' and 'bad' personas of the dance. Now, I know that you are a man of very few words so I will make this blunt as possible: you may not glare, emit demon-like teeth, or spew blood during any given time of the performance. Smirking is acceptable; just try not to look like a douche-bag._

_Lena_

Hn. Sasuke was like a statue: a museum worthy, perfectly sculpted, cold and solid type of statue. And statues do not make facial expressions.

Yet, he must go against his very own self-teachings and actually show some emotion. Tsk. Tsk. Looks like he'll have to think of Itachi during the whole time of his dance routine. Anger is good. Hatred is better.

He'd make it a goal to have kick-ass facial expressions.

(Goal: Scare little children into having nightmares about him eating them or let them get paranoid into thinking he's hiding in underneath their bed or in their closet.)

_Lesson #5 - Props. In ballet, props are used from time to time. They are key items in performances because they bring in an element of reference - a focal point. Props are always needed to help visually aid the audience as well. So, you may not use the props as weapons against the general public or your dance partner. You may not set the props on fire in order to practice your ninja skills. You may not bend, transform, shift, throw, kick, launch, aim, re-arrange, or even touch any of the props in general. But, most importantly, you may not eat the props. Ever._

_Lena_

He wanted to roll his eyes. Props? Please, everyone knows that you have to handle props with care - they do not taste very good but a little respect is needed.

As a Uchiha, he'd honor the props as members of the ballet group. After all, his Barbie doll collection was just as important as the stage props. He would admire them and be gentle.

A Ninja's promise.

_Lesson # 6 - Appearance! After hours of practicing in the studio, you will finally get to shine onstage. Your outfit must give you confidence, radiance, and fit your character's role. In ballet, the choices for your appearance are endless - from leotards to tutus, anything is possible! Yet, let me clarify: you may not come on stage wearing a half-ripped shirt that shows your bare and perfectly sculpted abs. You may not add any unwanted accessories like a katana or bomb onto your outfit. You may not spike your hair into the shape of a chicken's rear end for selfish purposes. And please, try wearing underwear._

_Lena_

… He had no comment on this. But, maybe he'd sneak in his katana by shoving it down someone else's tights while he performs. So incase his lovely older brother _does _appear, all he has to do is rip some girl's dress (and possibly break her leg) to get his weapon of choice.

He was going to wear a tutu anyways - Naruto's demand. Heh, he'd still be sexy with or without the ballerina outfit.

As for the underwear… he'd have to do some last minute shopping on that.

_Lesson #7 - Nervous? After following and reading those previous instructions, you are ready for the performance. Practice, practice, and practice. It is the only way to be perfect. But, pre-show jitters will happen. Here are some tips for coping: _

_Breathe - take slow deep breaths to calm yourself. Do not start hyperventilating or faint due to a lack of air in your lungs. Calm yourself - just breathe. _

_Eat - bananas help calm the butterflies in your stomach. Eat a quick snack before heading out to the stage. Do not overeat and start puking. Do not shove food down your throat and start choking. Do not force others into eating as well. Just a quick snack will do - bring a tomato. _

_Stretch - jump up and down, spin in circles, run. You can physically psych yourself up and boost your performance. But, always remember to stretch. We do not want people have pulled muscles or strains during the performance. If you do plan on running, be careful while jumping trees and try not to get any animals stuck to your costume. Trouble will ensue. _

_This is it. The guide to Ballet 101 is complete (Uchiha edition). See you in the studio~ _

_Lena_

Che.

* * *

><p>THREE WEEKS LATER<p>

_Time - 7:09 pm_

_Situation: A poster-worthy Sasuke Uchiha is sitting at home when his phone rings._

Ring…

Ring…

Ring…

"Hello?"

"Hn."

"Oh! Sasuke-kun, it me - Lena. I just wanted to see if you're alright. The performance is tomorrow so, do you have any last minutes questions?"

"..."

"Great - we just got your costume in the studio. It's looking pretty good. I want you to come by early tomorrow to see if it needs fitting or not."

"Hn."

"Alrighty, that's all I have to say. Sleep well and early tonight. We need our star to be radiant tomorrow!"

"Che."

* * *

><p><em>Time - 6:54 pm <em>

_Situation: The public is currently being situated in the stadium. Naruto and friends have front rows seats. Sasuke is being dolled up backstage. The show soon begins…_

The red, velvety, and thick curtains slowly opened to reveal small children dressed in soft, baby pastel colors.

They fluttered on stage: throwing flowers after each dance step, twirling around with energy and captivated the audience from the very beginning.

x

"_I'm surprised teme isn't part of that group!" Naruto stated, smiling widely. _

"_Oh, shut up naruto! Gosh, they're sooo cute! I want one~" Sakura said, tilting her head to the side._

"_Then why don't we make one, eh? How about it Sakura-chan?" _

…

"_NARUTO! YOU IDIOT! HOW DARE YOU EVEN THINK THAT?" _

x

The children slowly faded away, bit by bit, ending their grand introduction. The next arrivals were older ballerinas; they were dressed in winter colors: white, black, and grey.

The leaped across the stage, gliding at each step, and entranced the crowd with their continuous stamina and flexibility.

x

"_Eck - their dresses suck. I'd never wear that," Ino remarked, tapping her fingers against her thigh. _

"_But, I thought you like dark colors?" asked Choji, munching on a gigantic bag of potato chips (Light Yagami style). _

"_Choji, those aren't colors, they're shades," Ino replied, rolling her eyes. _

"_So what's the difference?" Choji pondered, shoving a handful of chips into his mouth._

"… _Women are troublesome…" Shikamaru muttered. _

x

The girls soon leaped away and the curtains fell. Performance #1 was complete.

x

"_I bet Sasuke is having trouble with his leotard," Kiba snickered, showing his dog-like teeth. _

"_S-sasuke-kun is g-going to w-ear a… a l-leotard?" squeaked Hinata, her lavender eyes widening at the thought._

"_No. He's too… voluptuous to fit into a leotard," answered Shino. _

x

The curtains opened again and the stage was dark. A single beam of light shined across the platform as someone swiftly jumped into the centered glow.

x

"_Oh. My. God," whispered Tenten, gripping her seat tighter._

"_Is that even legal?" Lee mused, focusing._

"_It is destiny," affirmed Neji, watching the ballet dancer with steady concentration._

* * *

><p><em>Time - unknown<em>

_Situation: the public is stunned at the sight. Blinking isn't possible. Or important at the moment. Cameras flash. _

Under the single ray of illumination stood the beastly, the crash-into-a-walrus, the jaw dropping -insert drum roll- Sasuke Uchiha!

He was wearing a black, silky, this-outlines-my-nonexistent-curves tutu. It clung to him in the most inappropriate way. The fan girls started to conduct a chorus of shrieking.

He swiftly galloped across the stage, moving his arms in a chicken-like motion. He twirled around until his tutu flared high and showed his duck butt. He posed like the Statue of Liberty, holding an _icha icha paradise _book. He tossed book towards the audience, creating mass public hysteria (Kakashi sprang into ANBU action).

He skipped around like a 5 year old on a candy high, jumping up and down in a leap frog motion. Next, he slid slowly across the sleek surface, landing himself into the splits. The crowd went wild.

More and more, dancers outlined the stage. Sasuke quickly positioned himself for his next move. He counted the seconds to time his next move flawlessly.

1 tomato…

2 tomatoes…

3 tomatoes…

Lights on him: three (male) dancers hoisted him into the air, where he modeled himself like a mermaid out of water. It was glorifying. Some female specimens fainted on the spot.

The dancers chucked up him forward as he landed gracefully on his head. He began to spin around, his head cracking against the surface of the stage. The audience was practically basking in the moment.

Bewildered, he flipped backwards and landed on his pointy and bulgy looking feet. He stood there, posing like a cross-dresser until the light above him slowly faded away.

The curtains fell. Sasuke Uchiha's performance was complete.

* * *

><p>After the last performance all the dancers gathered in a line across the stage, holding each other's hands. They bowed simultaneously as flowers and tomatoes were thrown by spectators for their magnificent show. After weeks of practicing and death-glares, they had successfully finished the ballet concert. Bravo.<p>

Sasuke had just entered his room backstage when the door was slammed open to a hoard of fan girls. They yelped and begged for his autograph, his tutu, his hair, and his grandma-style ballet shoes. So he threw them… and the girls ran to fetch.

"TEME! You bastard!" yelled Naruto as he stomped into the room.

"Hn."

"Sasuke-kun, you were… phenomenal! I knew you could do it, I knew you could dance. Right, Naruto?" Sakura chirped, giving Sasuke a bouquet of roses.

"I…I guess you really can dance, you bastard," Naruto admitted, sulking. Sasuke smirked, of course he could dance. He was an Uchiha - a fully born genius.

"Hey Sasuke, since you mastered dancing so quickly can I ask you for a favor?" requested Naruto.

"Che."

"Teach me how to Dougie."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong>

… Well, how was it? Ha-ha, I know, it's a _completely_ random and impossible idea but, a girl can still imagine and conjure up hilarious possibilities. :]

If this didn't make you laugh, I'll bake you cookies. But, if it did make you chuckle or even smile then my mission is accomplished.

Thanks for reading~


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